Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Belonging. Somewhere.

I'm trying to like living here. I'm trying really hard. I love our house. I love our backyard, and I love that I have a winter garden. Which is producing copious amounts of yummy veggies. I have quite possibly the most friendly neighbor in the universe. She's been so welcoming and nice ever since the day we moved in. I have the coolest double stroller ever, which I frequently take for a walk around our nicely groomed neighborhood. With two of my four awesome kids in it. I got a wii for my birthday. (Okay, that one was really random) But really, I'm so blessed. I should be happy. So what's my deal? I don't feel like I belong here. I don't have any real friends. You know, the ones you'd sit and watch a movie with all hours of the night. The ones you sit and eat chocolate with, and talk until the wee hours of the morning. The ones who listen to you, and the ones who will talk to you about anything. Friends who share your laughter and tears. I don't have them here. And I miss them so dearly. I know I need to just give it all some time. I know it takes a while to really feel like you belong somewhere. But I hate going to playgroups and church activities and whatnot, and feeling like I'm just the new person. Everyone else already knows each other, and you're just there, kind of like a third wheel. I try to participate in conversations. But you know that feeling when you say something, and you realize nobody's listening to you? Yeah, I've been having that a lot during the last few months. Things just haven't "clicked". So, I feel isolated. And I just don't feel at home. If that makes any sense. Now excuse me while I go and cry myself a river.

18 comments:

Rixa said...

I understand the need for close friends and how hard it is not to have them. It was like that the entire 3 years I lived in IL. In this new state I hope I can find some, because I can't go another 3 or more years with no close friends. (I have lots who live out of state, but emailing and talking on the phone and reading each others' blogs still is not a replacement for real living breathing friends).

Jared said...

Hey sweetie, you're welcome to come cry at my house any time you want to. Of course, the hour drive to get here might turn those "wee hours in the morning" into "time for me to go to work"...

3in3mom said...

awwwww, I miss you and the good friend you are to me. It is so sweet to see you in random intervals and we can just talk.

HUGS and love to you. Hang in there. I sure wish I could give you a good friend.

Much love, C

Mom's Sewing Vault said...

I understand. I lived in 10 different homes before I graduated from high school, and 4 different apartments the first 5 years of marriage. ((hugs))

And I doubt you're (chemically) depressed with all the walking, exercising, gardening and vegetable-eating you do! Wish I could offer you neighborly friendship, but I'm online every day!

You'll find a connection. There may be someone looking for you! :)

Science Teacher Mommy said...

Oh, friend, I really get it. Although my friends like that WERE in Texas. Now they are all over the country.

I think some of it happens too as your kids get older: when I just had one or two and they didn't do anything it was really easy to make loads of time for friends and I lived in a place where all the friends were in the same boat. Now, our lives are so busy that I am so involved making time for my own family that sometimes weeks go by before I realize I haven't had a good girlfriend conversation.

Keep trying; I'm sure it will happen, maybe from a person or people you least expect.

Karin said...

I'm sorry. Lonely is no fun. I miss you too.

Shannon said...

Hi-
I hear you! Like you, I've been there and done that too many times. There are good people everywhere, but it does take time to fit in. I think Science Teacher Mommy is right, too. It does seem the older the kids get, the harder it is to find those friends. Our ward even has a cooking class once a month with people I really enjoy being around, I just can't ever seem to get there because of mom duties. Hang in there and keep trying- and pray. You'll find friends in the most unexpected places. And, if you're ever this direction, there's a warm pan of tapioca waiting! (Sorry, but that sounds better than chocolate to me!)

Saskia said...

I know exactly what you mean...I felt that way, strangely enough, when we spent that year in Germany before we moved on to Switzerland. People at church were cordial but standoffish. It also didn't help that our neighbors kept policing us and the local (non-church) playgroups wouldn't even let us in the door. Gotta love the Schwaben. ;)

Angela said...

I totally understand too. It took a really long time for me to feel like I fit in here(about 3 years). I think that those kind of friends are hard to come by these days. Everyone just seems so busy. It is hard to go from being surounded with good friends to being the new one. Give it time, you are an awesome person.

Erin said...

I know the feeling exactly, especially coming from the same "tight-knit" neighborhood where we were all in the same boat and had children around the same ages. It really takes a lot of time and effort to make and maintain friendships (espcecially like STM said as the kids get older and you get more of them). I'm still feeling that way myself...I wish we lived just a little closer, we could do a girls night once in a while. Hang in there. Love you!

denedu said...

I REALLY know how you feel. I've been feeling a bit homesick as of late. One of my good friends gave birth to her first baby on Sunday, and I wanted to be there more than anything. I miss being near all of my close friends...the ones I have all the memories with. Silly times we can share and laugh about together. What's even crazier is that I had some great friends back at WSV that I use to stay up with and chat all night with, but as soon as I moved (only across town) you'd think I moved out of the state! It's crazy! My neighbors here are nice, and my VT comp is the best, but I feel just like you...a third wheel. I try to get out there to meet new people, too, but can be a bit shy (I know...hard to believe, huh? hahaha) that I think people sometimes take it as snobby. Keep trying...I'm sure you'll make some great friends when you least expect it. That's when most things happen, right? :)

Leia said...

So sorry you are feeling blue. This is my greatest fear with moving away. I want to move away and have a fresh start and make new friends and find new places to enjoy, but I fear it will be harder than it sounds. There is hope - you are a wonderful person, with an amazing family, and outstanding life values. Good things will come to you, people will flock to you, and you'll begin to feel like this is really home. Hugs to all and I wish you peace and joy in your new journey :)

Doreen said...

Thanks for your kind words everyone, and empathizing with me. Hopefully it won't be 3 more years before I'll truly feel at home here. And if it is, then be prepared for more "woe is me" posts. ;o)

Baby Oven said...

Hey lady. I totally understand how you feel. When we moved here I actually cried for the first few days because I had never felt so lonely. Keep trying with the ladies around you, they will realize how amazing you are.

Canda said...

I really hope it doesn't take you that long either. I'm going on 2 years here and am just starting to not feel that way all the time. There are still times I do though. I dont' mind hearing it, you gotta vent somewhere.

tearese said...

Aw, that sucks. I haven't had any friends like that since before I got married, and that was quite a while ago! I feel like our neighborhood and ward here is much friendlier than where I lived before though...I lived there for over three years, and only associated with people who had church callings with me. And before that (when I first got married) I REALLY felt like I had no friends in our ward and neighborhood. Each place has been a slight improvement!
And yeah, I KNOW that feeling when no one is really listening. And it especially hurts when the other people are the closest friends you have right now. I hope things change for you soon!It just takes time.

Keith and Nicci said...

I'm so sorry. Every time I move to a new place I hate it, pretty much until I make friends. Sometimes that has happened quickly, and sometimes it has taken a really long time. (You'd think I'd have learned to be a little more patient by now with all of our moves the past few years). Like Shannon said, sometimes they pop up in the least expected places, and every time I've prayed for friends they've come eventually. So sorry.

Marie said...

I know how you feel. I have lived in Layton for almost two years and I still struggle with feeling comfortable especially at church. I thing the friend that we made at WVS were so awesome its hard to have that kind of friendship very fast.